I posted the following on my Instagram account the other day. As a white, professional middle class person my personal experience has been one of inclusion and privilege. As I dip my pinky toe in the world of disability through a parenting journey that incorporates neurodiversity the stark reality of the exclusion that exists in our society has been confronting. Sharing both my own musings of of the value of inclusion, here, as well as those of another mother. If this post causes one person to open their hearts, their lives, their social network to another on the fringe it is worth it.
” Something I don’t talk about often online is our family’s experience of disability. Partially that is for the purpose of privacy however I’m also aware that our experience of disability is mild compared to so many others. Today is the International Day of Disabled Persons and I’m being a bit more open than usual as want to advocate for two very important behaviours. As a family we are hyperaware of these. Firstly, inclusion. Discrimination is real. Children are excluded from schools, birthday parties, sporting teams and play dates every day in Australia. This hurts not just the disabled person, but their parents, who suffer secondary exclusion, and their siblings. I have no doubt that our family member with a disability is going to kick some major life goals during their time on this planet. They are in one word, awesome. Along the way though we do sometimes encounter behaviours from others that are less so. The other theme I’d like to discuss is kindness. Our family celebrates the kindness of others. In the online support groups I lurk in parents cheer the acts of kindness their children experience. Kindness may sound trite but it is powerful. If you want to make a positive difference in this world, choose to be kind. If you want your kids to be significant individuals, teach them to be kind. What might this kindness look like? Simple things like opening a door for someone with a mobility challenge. Being strategic in who you invite for play dates. If there is a kid with a disability in the class, please ask them over. Encourage them to talk to people that look different to them, on a train or at the shops. Teach them to shut bullies down. I could go on and on but we have a sitter and a date night is pending so I’ll sign off. Share the love”
And from another doctor mother:
“A look of sadness and confusion washed over my son’s face as he recounted the story to me yesterday. He had just come back from Forest Hills shopping centre where he had encountered the majority of his class celebrating another birthday party, but as usual he had not been invited.
“I just don’t understand mum” he said his eyes welling up with tears *Blake is one of my best friends.”
I struggle to explain it to him. You see the problem is not with the kids, it’s with the parents.
My son has autism. In prep he struggled with emotional regulation – sadly for all concerned he had several violet outbursts – but that was more than two years ago. The children have long since forgiven him, the parents not so much.
In his small school, my son continues to be excluded from everything from play dates to sporting teams to social gatherings. Each year he invites twenty children (the whole class) to his party, and each year he is lucky if he receives one or two invitations in return.
This is far from an isolated problem. I was speaking about this with the mother of another special needs child at the school. She said “Oh, I know, Theo is the pariah of our year”.
It’s not just autism, children face exclusion for many reasons – the new kid, the physically disabled kid, the overweight kid…
There are strong links between social isolation (particularly in childhood) and poor mental health. Surely it’s up to parents and schools to teach inclusion, not to perpetuate social isolation?
In out household you can have a tiny party with a handful of best friends, or you can invite the entire class. You can’t invite nineteen children out of twenty, even if you “hate” someone.
Social exclusion is recognized as a form of bullying. Not only that, there is evidence that social inclusion benefits everyone. I It makes sense. If you surround yourself with people who are exactly like you, you will never benefit from innovative ideas.
The list of famous people who struggled socially and did not fit in to a conventional box is endless including Albert Einstein and more recently Bill Gates, Mark Zukerberg, Steve Jobs…
Some people set out to be exclusive, to dominate the social order, others are just passive enablers. They are happy to go along with the crowd so long as it’s not their child who is being excluded.
So, what is the answer? Can I challenge you to be more inclusive in 2020? Arranged a play date with a child who doesn’t seem to have many friends, invite the whole class to your child’s party – yes, even the “weird” child. It might be the only invitation they get all year, and their parents will be very greatful.
My son himself came up with a beautiful example of what inclusion looks like. He was telling me how the boys at school had formed a club. I thought “Oh no, I know where this is heading” but the story took a very surprising turn. He had been invited to join the club, but he had turned them down. He said “mum, I don’t want to be part of their club if my other friends can’t join.”
If you know the same child is consistently being excluded, perhaps you could quietly ask “Is everyone invited?” If the answer is no, if one child is constantly the one child excluded, perhaps you could politely decline the invitation?
As for us, we will not be returning to the same school next year. We are embarking on a fresh start. We approach this new school with hope for a different experience and fear of history repeating itself. Ultimately for my child’s sake we have to try something different. Surely every child deserves the chance to belong?”
I love hearing stories of inclusion. If you feel inclined share a story of positive inclusion here as a comment.
